moving on letting go live and let live and let the past go

the title is thanks to Mat Kearny but im listening to Danny Goeke, who is looking forward to “best days still ahead of [him].”  Age is nothing but a number he says but my fifty five years include a lot of physical scarring.


this morning at breakfast on the unit with the staff who I have a crush on, I couldn’t escape junk pasting on my teeth and it took me five minutes to get it off without sticking my finger in my mouth and then I remembered the point when that started and how devastating not to be able to go out to restaurants any more, especially salad stuck to my teeth and it just wasn’t tenable.


So i don’t feel so good presenting myself even as an asexual being.There’s other scarring, the short tongue from when the dentist cut the [?] string under my tongue with the x-ray device, the bad nerve in my nose and the closing right eye from the dentist who gave me a bad shot on the right upper roof of my mouth.  No wonder people fear dentists so much.

Even thinking about kissing someone made me want to seal myself in a sarcophagus and just wait out the days I have left.  vaginal damage, cheese pimples in my vagina,prolapsed uterus, dropped bladder, damaged right breast, and now both my shoulders are damaged from wrestling with the plastic covered bed here at night.

that’s pretty much what I’ve been doing, hiding myself in suicidal fantasies and near-death ideation, still, it was pleasant to remember when I was more life-like and to be called back to my human reality which, however horrible, still has warmth and reason.  Enough to dread the negatives that have brought me to this place.

I love St. Isodore of Seville, I have that.  He is the Patron Saint of the Internet and the designated Saint of an order of the internet that anyone can join so I have.  I will also sign up for Danny Goeke’s mission just be spreading the word, his music is so beautiful and he is a very physical and spiritually beautiful man who surrounds him with other beautiful souls in a way the is so loving and kind.

I realized that my psychologist here wouldn’t miraculously “show” on time this afternoon before going home just as my husband wasn’t “There” for me ten or more years ago when I was on my way to the airport to pick him up on a Friday night, listening to a song, “baby be there.”  He would be, of course, I thought.  And he wasn’t.

So I picked up my computer and here it is 430 and I was right, the therapist ddn’t show.  But my husband’s song just came on the radio somebody hgs on so maybe I still have to give  a chance.

My son is making his third showing at a rehab, this time for 3 months.

I’ve been hospitalized for 6 months now.

O and I have been praying the rosary almost ever day for the past week and I am starting to prefer it to other things.  Maybe I will sign up for ht confraternitu if they will permit somebody who is not formally baptized.  The chaplain comes every day.



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