PANIC BUTTON

threat of harm lurking in my mother to whom I finally gave permission to call here in a bad patch last week, I won’t bother to say I shoulda known better.  I felt like I was dying, I just don’t know what to say.  I’ll just say it passed through God’s hands.

Talked to the Unit pychologist today and got out what was eating at me, a physical malfeasance by a nurse last week (official Nurses’ Week), which I hadn’t figured on being able to do.  Now it’s out and it’s from the frying pan into the fire which is actually a good thing in a way.  She made me eat my scrambled eggs and cheese with a spoon for being late for breakfast, wouldn’t give me my plastic knife and fork.  I got a nasty stomach ache.  Maybe it was psychosomatic but that can be just as bad.  Ironically, the nurses had cooked up omelettes for themselves to celebrate nurses’ week so I got a plate of eggs with cheese, onions, peppers and ham that night, delicious, but I feared I got less and was desperate to get a fork as there were also some spoons, scrambled eggs with cheese are one of my favorite foods, now I have an aversion.  this is awful.  I had scrambled eggs the next morning, house tray, the other, standard punishment for being late for breakfast is that you don’t get to fill out your menu for the next day.  This is awful and it’s hard not to awfulize in a place like this, just like when I got a pencil without an eraser in a meeting when I first got here, I was very paranoid, I kept looking at it and everybody else looked at theirs as they got them, it was really silly, but it’s human nature in this weird setting.

The psychologist, who was supposed to be talking to me about sex and relationships, deduced that I was scared of being looked at as different than others, which is true I guess, so I look to my roommate, a guardian angel, whose father worked at AT&T for 35 years like mine, for company in my isolation and finally feel at peace.  And I come here, to my computer, and blog, clinging to the black plastic electric warmth and light.

I gotta go, running into overtime.

Thank God for electronics hour here.  It makes all the difference in the world.

I trust in telepathy for this gotcha to get my mother.

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s