The Tangled Web

The whole sex abuse thing in my family is out of control.  Why can’t my Dad just admit he made a mistake?  It is a capital crime in my family to criticize him.  Off with your head.  He acts the same way toward my son, who stays with them.  He uses the excuse of “protecting his reputation” to do insanely deceitful things.

For instance, my mother (who works for him) said when my son was about 3, when I was concerned about his behavior after his trip to Canada with his Dad, and I asked her about it, [she said] “Do you think he [his father] had his way with him in the motel room?”  WHAT?!!!  Can you imagine what went through my head?  You just don’t say something like that to a young mother, you just don’t say something like that about a man to her or to anyone.  I was concerned that he was pointing to his peepee proudly all the time, and I wasn’t sure whether the paternal grandmother had the right idea about how she treated him.  It never occurred to me, nor should it, to question his father, who has the testosterone level of –well, he was almost arrested for it, for trying to physically stop a car that was racing down our quiet street all the time.  It did occur to my mother, whose sexuality with her children was extremely questionable.  Even recently I was upset by how she pressed her body up against me when she was “checking” something for me ?on my face? my hair?  I don’t remember.  I had to step to the side.  Similarly, her son, my brother, has always enjoyed telling me about all his sexual exploits.  When he went on and on about liking to lick his ex-wife’s toes after the divorce, and about the shaved pubis of a girl he had, et cetera, I did the same thing.  I stepped away.  We haven’t talked since.  (That was the Christmas when my mother deliberately took a photo in which my ex-husband and I were, by her request, standing behind too pillars of the porch–we don’t show in the photo.

So the insane suggestion of sexual abuse of my son by his own father played horribly through my mind after that, and within all that psychosis, as described in my last post, it turned into nasty allegations, over and over, about sexual abuse that almost got him arrested.  My son himself attested that they were false.  My mother’s reaction was to be astonished that I would suggest such a thing, indeed, she helped my husband get a restraining order against me.  Twice.

Then she suggested that I was sexually abusing him to a therapist who was coming to the house at my request after a visit by the Department of Children and Families in Florida.  He had a case of contact (it turned out) herpes, easily spread, and the counselor had to look into the question of sexual abuse.  My mother referenced his secretly “masturbating himself to erection” in the corner of the pool.  There were looks.  The therapist questioned my son and was reassured.  But the threat (from my mother) lingered.

The point was to try to implicate me as either an abuser myself or somebody who was always accusing others of sexual abuse.  All to cover up my father’s error with me.  The cover-up started right away, but I’ve talked about this before.  I was even allowed to THINK about it.  They had that kind of power over me (power of suggestion being one of my mother’s favorite tools–and distraction, to confuse–when I was young, and then when I was older and still vulnerable to it.

I think they went so far with “protecting my father’s reputation that they couldn’t back down any more, and HE started believing his own lies.  My mother never knew the truth.  When HE came up to my room an hour after the incident, with a cup of tea, to tell me how he “could barely keep his hands off my body” in the motel room when I went with him to look at colleges (yes, someone booked just one room for both of us;) that I had a beautiful body, that he had been fantasizing about me, et cetera, he also said that he had told my mother everything and I assumed automatically that this was true, as he confessed every thought to her.  In this case I finally realize he probably lied.  My mother was just as upset as I was, but I think she blamed ME.  And has, all these years.  So she doesn’t care about his lies when she KNOWS he’s lying, because it hurts me, and that’s perfect for her.

I emailed HIM both my last post and the one before it which was about this matter.  I haven’t talked to him since.  I had stopped talking to him anyway for about a week, per God.  Now, I can’t reach my son, and I am terrified that they’ve done something to him.  They are destroying him.  Like mother, like son.

I’m scared this morning (after 5 a.m.), which is why I am here to post.  Still trying to keep things locked down.  I found a window open when I woke up at 9 p.m. yesterday, after I got spooked by something and checked.  So I locked it.

My mother always told both my father AND me that our fears–often the mark of a creative mind–were imaginary–and still does, which deepens the fear and confusion.

My best bet when I was 17 was exile, which I accomplished for a while.  But then I wound up back in their care and from there directly to a STATE HOSPITAL, where I lost track of normal human dignity and learned so much humility that I can’t stand up to people any more.  And then I went away again, out West, but she kept tabs on me through the Alliance for the mentally ill and stayed in touch with my ex-husband (we’d still be married if it weren’t for her), convincing him to put me back on Haldol–the very worst older anti-psychotic just at the point when I was turning the corner in getting off of it.  Oh God, there’s so much of this.  The neuro-psychologist in Florida who I saw for six years finally discerned, and said so in a meeting with me AND my ex-husband, that MY MOTHER IS THE PROBLEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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