Whether because of writing yesterday’s posts, or the whole series of posts that led up to it, or for many reasons,
I am OUT OF THE WOODS!
and realize that I have been in post-partum psychosis/trauma for 23 years.
My son’s birthday came recently, and it was a happy day for him although it ended for him in a fight with my mother which was very upsetting. But I was reminded of his early childhood birthdays in Florida, and that they were happy times.
The psychotic departure for Texas, and then California; two abortions; the drive from San Diego to Buffalo, New York at 7 1/2 months pregnant, on a pillow for leg spasms, on cruise control from Colorado because I couldn’t use my right leg on the accelerator…
THEN, after a year in Buffalo, Maryland, and then Florida two years later.
“Anybody would react to this,” the doctor at the hospital in Rockville, Maryland said.
The psychiatrist I followed up with in Bethesda, Maryland, and excellent devoutly Jewish man who I clung to with my soul, said, when we were making plans to go to Florida, “You aren’t ready for this.” So I stopped taking most of the medication he had me on to try to feel readier, as I was heavily medicated, and went anyway. There was no alternative. I looked for apartments in Maryland but couldn’t afford them on my disability pay even with help from my parents.
SO: psychotic in Florida for 16 years and then here for another four and NOW I have connected a lot of things after having given up on this mental process a long time ago, although it was what they recommended at the hospital in California that I went to when I was trying to stay off medication for the baby. The whole picture, always in my mind, connected just like dots and came undone and now I can remember things from before the delivery of my son. Last night I still felt uncertain but my positive feelings are picking up momentum this morning. THIS IS FOR REAL. I don’t really want to put it here because it is so prized and personal but I want to say about my book, “Every Cloud…”, buy it! The bad stuff you’ve seen here, and the tweets on Twitter, aren’t in it. It has some negatives, but it is highly spiritual and tries to find the positive, the way up, out of desperation. It has been the biggest part of my healing.
Jolly Ho! On with Life! (God called me to be his “small one again” at a darkest time in Florida so that guides me.)
God Bless WordPress for letting me blog on and on and on.
Oh yes, and please forget everything bad I have said about my ex-husband. I was psychotic. He is the smartest and most knowledgeable man I know, a real savior. God bless him too.
Praise the Living Lord.