6:13 a.m. Monday morning

I have finally figured it out!  Hah!

My son said, “Do you know that sounds totally crazy?” when I talked to him about my father’s sexual abuse of me.  Maybe he’s already heard it from my mother, tactically.

Anyway, I realized, it DOES sound crazy, and I know why, it is because it WAS crazy.  Crazy of my Dad to do what he did.

And I could never figure out why he did it, just that I hated it and I hated HIM.

Now I’m remembering that my father said nothing about my college personal essay, which everybody else praised.  It was about running away from home.

Hah!  I’m laughing out loud.  Got him good.  It never occurred to me at that time that this would make them look bad.  It was the highly philosophical ponderings about a young woman who left home on an Adventure.  Actually, my parents abandoned me without a car (I didn’t drive yet anyway; my brother took the station wagon to his girlfriend’s house and stayed there); without money, except my earnings from the pizza parlor; and without FOOD.

My main thought as I left was that I would lose weight.

I encountered a likely Boston strangler in a van, and a pimp at the Port Authority whom I referenced only obliquely.  The Boston strangler I didn’t mention at all.

So all father’s friends in high places found out that his darling daughter had run away from home.

Hah!  He must have been furious.  This translated in his mind into a sexual attack.  End of story.

…next daytime

I’ve heard a woman call a penis a weapon.  This is such a case.  ‘Cept you don’t expect it from your Dad.  That amounts to molestation.  Even though he didn’t use it.  I know he had a hard-on.  Which is disgusting for a 17-year-old daughter, or at least for me, so aybe some of this, I FINALLY realized, some of my emotionality, goes to my physical deformity as described so many times in these forums.  Anyway, I forgive him.  Now that I FINALLY understand.



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