A Physical Journey

From my computer, where I had been proofing my new version of my book with my spell-checker; to the couch, to try to rest my eyes and sleep, and back to the computer, via the chair at the end of the table where I sit to smoke and imbibe liquids.

Laying back down after waking up in the middle of the night, always seems an impossibility.  I just gave up on it; but this early morning, around a quarter to 5, I tried again because my eyes hurt so much.

Well, eyes are closely connected to the brain and everything, eyes, brain and lots of other things are connected to sexuality.  I realized that was the pain.  After throes of agony (O God O God O God, I cried), I clung to my new doctor in my mind, trying to figure what was going on.  I got up, and when I sat down I began to orgasm.  A little at a time.  My clitoral nerves separated after I dug at my clitoris during the bug phobia period.  I could feel them crawling in it, I thought, and maybe I did, because at that point I was living in a filth pit in a downtown city near hear where there were forty bags of garbage outside the window, and an opossum chasing rats down there.

Now the nerves are splayed out to the side, one main nerve on each side–I could feel them spasming down the sides of my legs when it first happened.  It was like my clitoris unravelled.  Occasionally, I tried to masturbate.  (I am divorced.)  It is no longer possible.  Perhaps it is obvious how horrible this is.  So I shivered, as I had when I was a little girl with an already damaged crotch due to being kneed there by my brother at a very young age.  I shivered and shook a little at a time, it took about six times before I got the spontaneous orgasm out of me, and there is still discomfort lingering in my lower gut, which feels all twisted up.  So I’m sitting here wondering what to do next.

I just paid 160 dollars to get 5 bags of laundry cleaned at the cleaners.  I just can’t do the physical stuff any more.


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